Work in progress, come back anytime to read it again 😉

This is the title I gave my diary when I was thirteen years old and in my first relationship. Normally people mean God when the talk about Him. I somehow found it funny to write for myself as my boyfriend being Him. Today I can say that may have been an indicator that I put my partner on a pedestal to often. Again and again I followed them blindly for a while till I missed myself so much I had to go.

I had diaries since I was eight years old, but with this I switched from analog to digital. Over the years I wrote over 81 pages in this one. But during that time I also started other analog ones. For example when I had a major depression. I wrote what I was thinking, feeling and what I wanted to tell the doctors.

For me and a lot of kids the Him & I relationship started long before that, with my own father. This blog is called My life & I – an autobiographical fiction – for Jonas. Here’s why:

Jonas 1 & I

My father was named Heinz, but when he was a child he started calling himself Jonas. And everyone called him that. He was divorced with two kids when he started dating my mother. She was twelve years younger and around a year later, they got me.

But they fought a lot and I as a little kid tried to be the puffer. After an incident where I screamed I couldn’t take it anymore my mother decided to split. I was eight years old and am so grateful she did that. They both were very emotional about everything, because it was the big love of their life. But they continued to fight and still exploited me in the process.

During that time I started to go to group and later personal therapy. I was also active in christian youth group activities and thought about getting baptized. But I didn’t connect very good with the other kids, cause I had different problems. I was more mature being taught to be a mediator for my parents. So I started to look for other groups to connect.

Placeholder for the teenage breaking point

Just before I started to be an adult on paper, I began to set some boundaries with my father. And tried to not be as emotional about their problems with each other.

My father was a highly intelligent drunk and chain smoker. Some days he was the nicest and one minute later he would diminish you into the ground. He was very good at arguing and thought of himself as someone better. I think there were deeper psychological problems but they never got treated cause he couldn’t stay away from the alcohol. He died when I was 18 years old.

The first day I came home from work after he died, there were two rainbows over our house. Here’s the picture I took with my phone that day (sadly the second one is only a glimpse):

Every time I see a rainbow now I think about him and the things I learned from him. On the tombstone of my father even is his signature as Jonas. Because everyone in town only knew him as such.

Jonas 2 &I

Before my father died there were another Jonas with whom I also had a rather complicated relationship. When I was only 16 he asked me to marry him. I said yes, but thought of it as being ‘somehow’ engaged, cause we couldn’t make any real plans. He was hurt I didn’t take it that serious.

After a nine month engagement he broke it off. His reason: He thought he couldn’t make me happy. I argued a lot to keep the relationship, but couldn’t change his mind. After that I quickly moved on. A few weeks later he regretted his decision and reached out to me. I turned him down.

Today I know once again, no one but myself can make me happy. It is a long way to be in balance when depression and mania are companions since early in life.

Jonas 3 & I

The story began in 2017. After I took a mental health semester I got back to join the studies with new students. He was one of them, but we didn’t talk much even though we sat mostly in the same row. But one day I walked to the next super market with someone I new from the student council. He bought some beer and I my lunch. Outside he opened the beer and joined the already drunken elderly. I stood there and didn’t know what to do. And then he came, Jonas the one who brings peace.

Jonas saw me standing there uncomfortable and just approached us. He asked if I would like to got back with him. That was the start of a very dissimilar friendship. I was polygamous at that time and had numerous relationships before. He was single and still not over his first relationship. But I told him everything about my life, just to shock him, but couldn’t.

We shared secrets and had an one night stand. But no one wanted a relationship, cause we were just to different. So we stayed friends. Then I started a relationship with someone who thought you couldn’t stay friends with people you were once intimate with. I canceled the friendship.

After I broke of this toxic relationship, I moved back to Baden-Württemberg. I wanted to stay single for a while, but was lonely so I began to contact old friends. On April 1st, 2022 I had the courage to write him again. We started to Skype weekly and he soon began to have feelings for me. When I visited him in December, we decided to be together. It was the first really healthy relationship I ever had. Despite the long-distance between Calw and Leipzig.

It was great for some time. Even made me so happy that I was in hypomania every other day for a few month in 2023. I thought now I’m were I always wanted to be and started this website to inspire. The first problem was, he didn’t wanted to move. And I realized that I also don’t want to move not until after I had an affair. It was the beginning of the end. After he said he would move, I analyzed in therapy that it wouldn’t make a different.

I’ve wanted to be alone for many years. But I never managed to be long enough alone to learn how to take care of myself. I never experienced my symptoms uninfluenced of a relationship. My core value at the moment is self-determination and a relationship didn’t make the list. I broke it off.

Before and after the break up, I visited this spot to organize my brain.

Myself & I

So now I’m single again, have my own apartment, job, some friends and family around. We will see where that leads me. And who would have guessed it somehow started to lead me back to the real Him.

There’s more to come, so come back anytime.

Him & I

Footnote

With the category Him & I I will mark blog posts about my personal life and my hobbies. The subcategories are Relationships, Family and Sexuality. Feel free to connect, give feedback via comments under blog posts or as an email under Contact.

Stay tuned, Stay curious, Stay healthy.