“Heavy depression” and “we can’t make progress in this state” said my therapist last week. Why? Probably cause my anti psychotic medication is to high.
She’s right. Previously I had some weeks were laying still just breathing was everything I did. The blanket was my best friend. When doing other things I wouldn’t feel a thing a quickly stopped doing anything.
Everything was like this beautiful outdoor furniture, it was overgrown. I was like Sleeping Beauty. In this picture are six mostly invisible chairs. It was the same for my feelings, they didn’t come to light.
For most of this year I was awake and played dead. I just laid there and breathed without doing anything at all for hours and hours. I, myself was covered by a blanket like my feelings were under some kind of thick layer.
BUT now im out of the woods and back on track. What did I do?
I didn’t do something spectacular – unlike this view of my second favorite place outside my village. Not even did I visit one of my favorite spots. I somehow just started to do things. Every time thinking about what a old therapist of mine told me: “Do it anyway.”
First thing I did was my dishes. I hate doing the dishes. Then I cooked after weeks of eating without using pan or pot. Only pasta with tomato and cream cheese, but it was the best meal I had for a long time. I even ate on the patio and maybe the warm weather and sun also helped. When I didn’t know what to do and wanted to lay down, I meditated. I helped to find focus and inspiration again.
The one thing that broke the cry barrier was praying. I even recorded the prayer like I did with prayers before. I asked for help and a sign that Him exists and got answered. Suddenly there was a light in my window. Maybe I just recognized it in this moment, but to me it felt like a sign. I felt overwhelmed and finally had emotion again and cried like a baby.
Stay tuned. Stay curious. Stay healthy.
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