So it’s been more then four months. I’m still wrapping my head around what happened. Shortly after the last post there was a family event weekend. Friday was the wedding of my aunt and the next day my birthday party. Sunday everything spiraled.
For the last months I thought, I didn’t see the trouble coming. That everything was fine till the psychosis hit fully the day after my party. But looking back the weeks before there were signs. I couldn’t sleep and would add every organic medication to my normal ones. I got some recommended from doctors and alternative practitioners. It helped, I slept. But then the first guests arrived on Friday.
That weekend I didn’t sleep enough due to excitement and the consequences followed right away. Delusions of grandeur and psychotic thoughts.
I had the weirdest ones changing very fast. For example living in the last human village on earth cause everything around would be occupied by dinosaurs. Also I thought I could communicate with animals and thought I saw Morse code in blinking electronica. But I’m not scared by my paranoia, I’m very positive and more excited then ever.
Luckily the people closest to me managed to get me admitted into the psych ward. They even had to fib that I had hurt them, so the doctors would admit me. I followed along cause I knew something was way off in my experience and wanted help. I think in the ward I was agitated and started to disturb other patients. That must been why they put me in isolation over night.
“The Light That Drives You On” – Matt Johnston
I got some new medication and after a few days the symptoms were gone. But it felt like I lost my light again. In mania and psychosis it feels like I’m glowing having way to much self-confidence. Then there comes reality and all of my confidence is gone to and im loaded with doubt.
But even when the light is out the lantern is still standing there. That’s the motto for an episode for me. That confidence is something that can be turned on and off. So here’s a picture of the town hall square of my village on the Friday morning before the episode hit.
Every lantern is a reminder that when it gets dark there will be light again. As of this month I’m working my normal hours again and even drove my Ducati Monster again yesterday. I didn’t do that for over two months cause I couldn’t focus enough to feel safe driving.
So now I’m the one again that holds the switch to my confidence. Light is just something that comes and goes and there’s a new beginning each morning. So even when my light feels lost I can get it back.
Stay tuned. Stay curious. Stay healthy.
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